If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Matt Goss
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.