Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye