“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
Need this in my life lol
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Happy Friday
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus