2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?