If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just a reminder, folks:
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match