I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Awesome parenting 😂