Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
You Might Also Like
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Oh thanks BBC.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?