Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.