Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are