I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!