[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
You Might Also Like
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Generation gap…
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these