My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You Might Also Like
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried