[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Rooting for the overdog
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.