It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
it must be school picture day
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.