7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.