[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna