My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?