just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?