I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hero horse inspires millions
How times have changed.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.