I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.