I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
dam girl
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday