Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The asteroid..
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.