doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext