Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
no refunds
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me trying to look natural in photos
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department