if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes