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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
A new level of troll.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.