Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.