“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts