“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
What fresh Hell is this?!?