SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.