[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend