One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”