[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Catering service
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.