Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The game has officially changed 😎
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂