I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.