In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.