I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
What about second breakfast?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?