well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.