My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation