I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.