Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
You Might Also Like
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
o shit
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get