Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Bed should get ready for ME
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]