My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
This could’ve been an email.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership