waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.