“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
🐕🍷
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.