Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My patience has stretch marks.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail