Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
describing stardew valley
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells