My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Word!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.