Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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The Others (2001)
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u