One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!